Be responsible for the person you are

So often when we feel we are unable to move forward it is because of the reactions and behaviours of other people.  Someone tells you you can’t do something, or reacts to something in a certain way and you allow that to hold you back.  My reaction when clients tell me that is often to say “who’s that about?” because invariably other people’s behaviours and reactions have to do with them and not with the people they are reacting to, and if you can see that other people’s reactions are about them it is easier to overlook them in order to move forward yourself.


However, sometimes the thing that stops us moving forward is our own behaviours and reactions.  Maybe we have internal beliefs which hold us back from doing the things we know we can.  Or maybe we have past experiences which have had an impact on the things we want to do/achieve.  Or maybe we exhibit negative behaviours or trates which impact on the way we move forward in our own lives and ultimately impact on others.


When asking someone “who’s that about?” the inference is that the comments thoughts and feelings of other people are often just that, *their* comments and thoughts and feelings, and ultimately their behaviours, which have a negative impact on the individual.  So, if it is our own behaviours which end up having a negative impact on our own lives, and perhaps ultimately even on the lives of others, it becomes time to take an inward look at ourselves and work out how to address those negatives in us in order to move forward.


We are all responsible for our own reactions.  Even if someone else has had a negative impact on us in the past, we are still ultimately responsible for how we choose to react.


It is very easy to pass the blame for our own negative behaviours and reactions on to other people.  After all, the impact of others is powerful and should never be underestimated.  However, we as individuals still have the ultimate power to choose how we ourselves react and behave, in spite of other’ influences.  And if the behaviours we ourselves exhibit are negative, we have the responsibility to recognise that and to seek to address it.


Ultimately, you are responsible for the person you are.


when confidence is lost

So, you have the confidence to do whatever it is you turn your hand to.  You know you are good at what you do, and therefore you do it well.  Even if you’re not actually great at what you do, the confidence you have means that you still do whatever you do well.


And then something happens that changes your view of yourself, and suddenly, the confidence you thought you felt no longer exists – it has evaporated, and you don’t know where it went or how to get it back.


Gaining confidence is powerful and empowering.  You go from a position of feeling you can’t, to knowing you can, and that realisation is positive and uplifting.  But it often happens over a period of time, and internally is often a subtle change which we have time to get used to.


But the loss of confidence is powerful and devastating and can happen suddenly, which is why it is often so hard to reconcile.  And once you’ve lost that confidence, it can be difficult to know how to get it back.


But if you think about it, you gained that confidence once, you can regain it again.


Loss of confidence is hard because it’s like a change in mind-set.  It’s different to not having had the confidence in the first place and then gaining it over time, it’s like taking a step back from thinking can to can’t.


Remember in a previous post, I defined confidence as “not what you can do, but how you think about what you can do.”  That still applies.  Remember, what you can do hasn’t changed.  You are still as good at what you can do as you were before your confidence took a hit.  What’s changed is your thought process behind it.  You’ve gone from knowing you can do something, to thinking you can’t.  But think about it again, is it your ability to do it that’s changed?  Or is it in fact just your opinion of your ability to do it?


What you’re capable of hasn’t actually changed.  Deep down you know this.  What’s changed is how you feel about what you can do.  Now take a step back, and visualise what it was you knew you could do before you lost your confidence.  Remember how it felt when you had the confidence that told you you knew you could do it.  And take that thought and move forward, knowing that your ability hasn’t changed, and your thought process, the one that once told you you could, and is now telling you you can’t, can be changed back.


It’s not about what you can do, it’s about how you think about what you can do.




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